How Did I Get Here?

I am 27 years old, and at 19 I married my college boyfriend.  It was a bit of a whirlwind romance as we met the first day of school and married 10 months later. Unfortunately during the course of our six year marriage we were both very unhappy. I gained a large amount of weight, and went from a size 8 when we met to a size 24. When I discovered that medical problems associated with my weight gain had caused me to be unable to have children, I was determined to get back into shape. I worked out several hours a day, and exercised self control while eating and in 9 months lost 90 pounds.

As my weight went downhill, so did my marriage. My husband became very insecure and finally confided in me one day that he would intentionally sabotage any weight loss efforts I had because he knew I was out of his league but thought if I was fat, no one else would want me. In this confession, he accused me of being unfaithful, and admitted his own infidelity, hoping that his admission would force me to “come clean” and then we could be on “even playing fields.” I had not been unfaithful to my husband and his admission devastated me. I thought with time I could forgive him and we could move on, but in his guilt he became a new mean person trying to justify his unfaithfulness because I “got fat” and because I “wasn’t a good house keeper” or because I “didn’t finish college.” Exposing my biggest insecurities day after day became too much for me and we separated. A year later we divorced.

A few months after our separation, I had lost 128 pounds and I was happier than I had been in years. I decided to treat myself to a vacation to Germany to visit my sister. While there I wanted to see as much of the world as possible! I was ecstatic when my sister gifted me a ticket to Edinburgh for a week.

Upon my arrival in Scotland, I found myself growing incredibly depressed. The city of Edinburgh was so beautiful!

Every building looked like an enchanted castle made all the more mysterious by the beautiful mist that hung in the air each morning. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have anyone to share this with; I went back to my hotel room at 5:30 that night and went to sleep thinking it was going to be a long, lonely week. I woke up the next day with new resolve and after a cup of coffee; I was ready to face the world!

 I booked myself the very last ticket on a tour bus to Loch Ness. I hurried to drink the last bit of my coffee before they would let me on the bus and that is when I met Paul. He's not the kind of guy I would have normally picked out of a crowd, but that is exactly what I did. I saw him amidst a group of people and found myself thinking "I hope he talks to me!" When he did, I was instantly turned into a silly 12 year old girl who couldn't stop giggling as we spoke. I don’t know what it was about him, but I found myself being more attracted to him than anyone I had ever seen before. When I got on the bus I looked for him but didn’t see him, so I sat down next to a woman from Germany and settled into my bus seat ready for a nap on the way. I was surprised then when I heard a voice come over the intercom talking about the history of Edinburgh, pointing out famous bridges, famous homes, historical battlefield sites… the hours flew by as this voice made History come alive!  From my seat I tried to see who was captivating me so, and I thought it was the bus driver; a bigger man is his late 50’s or early 60’s. I vowed that I would offer to buy him a drink at lunch and tell him how much I appreciated his stories. I was surprised then when I got off the bus for our first stop and saw Paul outside the bus answering question for people. I instantly recognized his voice as that of the tour guide.

When we arrived at Loch Ness I was disappointed to find that the tickets for the Loch Ness boat tour were sold out, Paul felt really bad about it and asked me if he wanted to see if there was a local boat that would take me out instead. I said thank you, but asked if he wouldn’t mind showing me around the banks of Loch Ness instead, in the city of Fort Augustus.  He seemed excited to do so and asked if I wanted to grab a drink first. We stopped in a local pub and ended up talking the entire two hours allotted at the Loch. Every stop after, lunch we were inseparable. I noticed when other girls would ask to get their picture taken he would stand politely next to them with his arms at his sides, but when he took pictures with me, he would put his arm around my waist, and it made me wonder if he was as in to me as I was into him.

When the tour was over and we exchanged email addresses I couldn't wait to get back to my hotel and email him.  We got together later that week for drinks.  Drinks turned into dinner, which turned into more drinks afterwards. I stayed out so late I ended up missing my shuttle back to my hotel, so Paul offered a cab as he was going in that direction anyway. The night ended with a kiss outside my hotel, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for days.

 Upon my return to Germany, we continued emailing almost daily and talking on messenger. I've never really been one for these "internet relationships" but a good friendship was developing quickly this way. While in Germany my sister convinced me it would be fun for me to live there for a while, as we're very close, and with her husband deployed to Iraq, she welcomed the company. I got a job working with the department of defense, but I needed to return to the US to bring back more things as my visit had changed to me living there. A week before my return to the US, Paul came to Germany for a short visit.

While there I drug him around to different historical sites in Germany I had been anxious to see, one being a castle that was close by.

I realize castles probably aren’t a very big deal to anyone living in Europe as... well they are everywhere, but the US, being a fairly new country, doesn't have castles, so I find them beautiful, fascinating, exciting and definitely romantic. The day we visited Hohenzollern was absolutely beautiful! The sun was shining, the birds were singing...it was the kind of amazing day where magic happens and you find yourself falling in love. Paul's marriage had ended a little over a year ago, and with one year out of the way he only had 1 more to go before he was allowed to file for divorce in the UK. However, anyone who has been through a divorce knows that it’s not just a simple act of filing paper work; it feels almost like a death. It is in a way I suppose... the death of your marriage... and while you eventually get over the hurt of such a relationship ending, it makes you much more careful who you entrust your heart with in the future. Several weeks later on my return to Germany, I made a short pit stop in Scotland to visit Paul in honor of his mother’s birthday.

I had a wonderful time meeting his family and his incredible daughter who was seven at the time. Truth be told I probably have more in common with most 5 year old girls than people my own age. My favorite color is "sparkles", my favorite animal is a unicorn, and I don't care what anyone says, Hannah Montana Rocks! His daughter and I got along fabulously playing all sorts of pretend games about unicorns, coloring pictures,  

and singing and dancing to Hannah. The week I was there Paul told me for the first time that he loved me, that he had been in love with me since the day we had spent at Hohenzollern, but he wanted to be sure of his feelings before saying anything. He wanted to make sure he wasn't just caught up in the moment. Even with a huge smile on my face I felt tears blurring my vision because for the first time in my life, I felt like I was hearing those words from someone who TRULY meant them. We spent an amazing week together before I returned to Germany.  

I found I enjoyed my job, but my sister’s husband had returned from Iraq and the house was beginning to feel a bit small.  I also wanted to see where this new relationship would go, and I knew living in separate countries would not be conducive to a healthy relationship for long. Even so my relationship with Paul was growing stronger by the day even with the distance, and so we talked about the possibility of me coming to live in Scotland. I thought an Au Pair job would be perfect. It would provide me with a job, a place to live and a small income. When I tried to find out what the visa requirements were I read that as an American I could go into the UK on a six month tourist visa. Once I was there and had found a job I could apply from the UK for the correct type of working visa. I bought a plane ticket to Edinburgh planning to do a few interviews with some families. When asked at customs what I was going to be doing in Scotland I said " working." This was apparently the wrong answer as I could not produce a working visa. They denied me entrance and sent me back to Germany. I was completely devastated and horribly embarrassed. I hadn't tried to do anything wrong. After being denied entrance into the UK they now consider me an immigration risk, and every time I visit Paul I have to prove with return tickets, letters from my work, class schedules, an apartment lease, bank statements and other official paper work that proves I am not planning on living there or working there. On one such trip I returned back to Germany, to discover the exciting news that Paul and I were expecting a baby together!

We were both ecstatic and yet our news was quickly made bittersweet knowing the difficulty I would have even to go to Scotland for a short visit. With my travelers insurance not covering prenatal care I had to return to the US. Paul and I talked daily on Skype where I would show him my growing tummy and the baby book I worked on, and from six time zones away I kept him updated on all my prenatal checkups.

Technology is an amazing thing, but it's nothing to being able to hold Paul's hand during an ultra sound, or put his hand on my tummy to feel the baby kicking, to feel his arms around me when I worry after reading about some horrible thing that could go wrong during a pregnancy. It's nothing to being able to talk with him face to face, see him smile and laugh, or cuddle up next to him on the couch while he watches football.

I began to have some complications and 29 weeks into my pregnancy I was placed on 7 weeks of bed rest. It was an incredibly difficult time for me and going through it alone was devastating. Many nights were spent crying over my computer as I desperately searched for ways we could be together as a family. The obvious answer was for us to get married, but with Paul’s divorce taking so long, that wasn’t an option for us. We didn’t really know where to turn or what to do, and months of speaking to immigration lawyers had gotten us nowhere. In fact one such lawyer told us "I don't know what to tell you. Nothing like this has ever happened before." And with Paul's daughter in Scotland, there was no way he could move here.

In April our son Isaac was born. He was perfect and beautiful and loved by family all over the world, but I couldn’t help feeling horrible guilt every time I looked at his sweet face.

When Isaac was 6 weeks old we flew to Stuttgart Germany where Amy and Paul met us. Brother and sister got to meet each other for the first time. Amy was so excited to be a big sister!  Poor little guy had no idea he was born into a family where he wouldn’t get to see his dad or his sister much of the time, he would be going back and forth from America and Scotland with no place to really call home.

From Germany we flew to Scotland. Isaac and I were able to spend the whole summer there making friends and going places, but most importantly, spending time with Daddy, and Amy!

In November Paul came to South Dakota for a short visit, and a few weeks later I went out to Scotland for my Thanksgiving Vacation. Isaac stayed in Scotland with his dad for 3 weeks until I returned for Christmas Vacation.

Upon my arrival in Scotland Paul and Isaac were both feeling slightly under the weather, and I promptly caught their flu like symptoms. I felt nausiated 24 hours a day and was throwing up, but ironically food made me feel slightly better most of the time... and then sometimes the thought made me feel terrible.

While there, Paul took me out for a nice dinner at the restaurant he had taken me to on our first date. I tried to set aside my nausia and have a wonderful time. While being serendaded by two buzzcurs, Paul got down on his knee and asked me to be his wife. I of course said yes!

While buying some medication, the pharmacist informed me I shouldn't take the meds if I was pregnant. I told her I wasn't but would take the test just in case.

When I saw those two little lines appear on that pregnancy test, I panicked... So did my boyfriend. Just in case my daughter reads this blog one day, I'm not going to to into lots of detail of the shock we felt, but I will say that shock was felt for a little while, and now we're in less shock, and awaiting the birth of our little girl.

Soon I will begin packing my apartment, and I will make my move overseas... Beginning my new life with the love of my life. A few months after that We will be a family of five.

The last three years of my life have been out of control, and the most amazing I have lived so far. I have a feeling that they are going to grow even more amazing as I watch my children grow up, and as Paul and I grow old.

I don't know how I got here, but I'm glad I'm here. I wouldn't trade this place for anything.