It Suddenly Hit Me!

Paul and I were discussing our plans for what I have effectionately coined "The 24th". This is when we are officially getting married, however I don't want to say "the wedding" or even use the term "Getting Married" because we're "supposedly" having a wedding this spring, ya know, when I'm thin again, and my family and friends can come out for it... So we were discussing "The 24th" and "the 24th" is looking like it might be pushed back a little bit for several reasons.

1st being that there is apparently a bunch of paperwork that we didn't know about that has to be in by the first, original documents signed by myself and Paul.... except that I won’t be there until the 9th.

2nd being that Paul's parents will be out of the country for a few weeks over the 24th. They would really like to be there, and I would really like them to be able to come, however I have been telling myself that this date isn't really a big deal because our "real wedding" is going to be next spring, when everyone can be there and I'm skinny.

However, while discussing "the 24th", a subject that usually makes me giddy all over, today, it suddenly hit me.

We're not going to have a wedding in the spring. None of my family except for my sister and her husband and my parents are even attempting to attend. If all of Paul's family and friends come to this one, they probably won’t come to the "real wedding"... so this is it... This courtroom ceremony with none of my friends, and none of my family, and I'm going to be pregnant and fat and ugly.

I look at myself in the mirror right now, and no matter how hard I try to make myself up, do my hair, and my make up, and pick my clothes out carefully, I can't seem to look at myself and say "I look good today." I just look fat and ugly, and Paul is going to see me in four weeks and thing "Whoa... she got fat... THIS is not the woman I asked to marry Me." and his friends who already don't like me are going to meet me for the first time and thing "Whoa... Paul is really slumming it with this one... We tried to talk him out of it..."

I bought a dress to wear... This is me trying it on in the store:

When I saw this dress at the store I knew it was exactly the style I was looking for. Simple, elegant, didn't hide my pregnancy, but didn't embellish it either. When I tried it on in front of my friend she said "This is the Dress!" I agreed. I told her I didn't feel real comfortable with my bare arms showing, but that I thought I could match the material with a shawl or shrug.

I later tried it on for my mother who just loved it. She raved and raved about how beautiful the dress was and how much she loved it. I think she likes this dress better than the wedding dress I wore when I married Josh.

I am so excited about this dress...in fact if I weren’t pregnant I would probably go with a similar style for my "real wedding." What makes it even better is I got it for an AMAZING price. I sent a picture of it to a good friend of mine and this was the reply I got: "Hmm... not really a fan of the dress, just not sure I like the style for your figure. Afraid you won’t be happy with it, but if you’re ok in it, that's all that matters!"

I realize she meant well... but... she has absolutely no idea how her text message has not only made me feel insecure in my hideously fat body, but trampled on the little bit of joy I did feel about the dress. I felt pretty when I wore it... now... I feel... grotesquely ugly, no matter what I'm in... Ya know, just how every bride should feel...